I had anger issues when I was in my teens. I broke whatever was in my line of sight whenever I lost my temper. My sister suffered a lot because of these shenanigans, because most of the time it was her stuff that I damaged. There was one particular incident that makes me feel ashamed to this day. There was one particular evening, and for some reason our TV was not working. No matter what I did, it did not fix the issue. Out of frustration and anger, I hurled the remote at the TV, and the screen cracked. The screen messed up, and I was immediately regretful of my actions, but no amount of regret could reverse the damage I had done. My brother had bought such an expensive TV after a lot of hard work. It was then that I realized how badly my anger issues were taking a turn for the worse.

When we are angry and we don’t know how to express it, we lash out in any way we know. There is a saying that when two people shout at each other in anger, the psychological distance between them grows to such an extent that they feel they need to raise their voices in order to be heard. I was raised and brought up in a boarding school. If you have had the experience of living in a hostel in a regulated environment, you will know that acting out or lashing out is never an option. We were disciplined harshly when we were out of line. Although we had fights amongst ourselves, once, when I got angry at one of my peers, I actually got into a physical altercation with her, which was not one of my proudest moments.

Sometimes, when I reflect on my actions, wondering what makes me tick, what makes me happy, and why I respond to certain situations in a certain way, I can understand why I am the way I am. Indian parents don’t really place any importance on emotions or feelings. The reason why I say this is because I can’t recall a single moment from my 24 years that my mom, who was a single parent, showed any kind of emotion, approval, or acknowledgement of anything I did. I never really blamed her; she is a good parent and suffered a lot in her life. I will always be eternally grateful for all the sacrifices she made for her kids. We never really understand the extent of their sacrifices for us, do we?

I was not very emotionally connected with her; it could be because we lived apart for years. Bottom line: Indian parents are not very emotionally invested in their kids. As long as we are eating, studying, sleeping, and getting good grades, everything is fine and good. That’s how we get emotionally stunted from a very young age; we don’t learn how to react and respond to certain situations, which basically builds up to kids becoming cold, distant, and angry.

So from a very young age, we don’t learn how to deal with emotions. Whenever I used to get angry, the people around me at that point in time made me feel as if I was not entitled to feel certain things at that point in time. Instead of asking what was wrong, they made me think that I was doing something hugely wrong by feeling angry, and I would get punished the next time I acted out. Fear of punishment made me suppress my feelings for most of my adolescent years. When I started living at home, that was when my suppressed emotions finally came to the surface. The fear of punishment was eliminated, so there was nothing holding me back from showing my emotions. It was at that point that I realized I had an issue with expressing my emotions. I did not know a healthy way of expressing my anger, so I acted out. My family resented me sometimes; I could feel it. After these incidents, I was deeply ashamed of my outbursts, but I couldn’t help it.

Writing this now feels like somehow I am justifying it. Maybe I am; what I wanted was to be heard—someone to validate my feelings and opinions, acknowledge me, and understand me. We, as humans, are emotional beings; the need to be heard, seen, and acknowledged is deeply ingrained in us. When we are sad, angry, or happy, we talk to our friends or family in hopes of share our feelings and let go of the pent-up feelings. In some cases, when you are not able to openly express your feelings, we manifest those emotions in a destructive manner; some act out, some fight, and some develop anger issues. Bottom line: We all wanted the other person to understand us and listen to us.

I did not deal with my anger issues by speaking to a therapist or having group therapy with others, nor did it go away by sharing my feelings with others, which are all healthy systems for dealing with anger. The more you grow older, the more you start to analyze your thinking process as well. By this, I mean that the more I matured, the more I started thinking about others instead of focusing on me. Whenever I am in a situation where things can escalate, I always take a step back to think about why the person in front of me would act in such a manner, what drove them to that point, and basically understand the situation from their point of view.

When you focus your attention on others instead of yourself, you will realize you automatically rearrange your emotions in tune with the other person, so you respond in a more calculated and calm manner. The more I grow, the more I realize how tiresome it is to argue and hold on to negative emotions. Life is too short to be irked by every single thing that bothers me, so I let it go. Learn to let it go; the more you hold on, the more it rots you from the core, like cancer.

If you don’t address your anger issues and choose to ignore them, it will manifest in catastrophic incidents in the future, which you will not be able to take back. There are techniques that can help you control it; read books. I believe books are the answers to all the questions you could have about life. Try expressing your anger through healthy channels, maybe through physical exertion like exercising or punching a bag, or by writing down your thoughts.

I’m neither a therapist nor a person who is an expert in anger issues, but this is my story of how I shifted from being an angry, bitter person to a calm, collected person. We are always focused on me, me, me. My emotions, my feelings, and my voice. Don’t do that. The world is already a cruel place. The next time you’re angry at someone, try to view the situation from their perspective, even though they are wrong. Practice empathy. Whenever I stand looking at the sea and the only thing you can see for miles and miles is water, you will realize how tiny and insignificant you are in the vast expanse of the universe. That feeling is overwhelming because you realize how small and tiny your problems and troubles actually are. There are bigger things at play than our comprehension. I am humbled every time. Once in a while, take yourself down by a knot or two. The world does not revolve around you.