We should all make an effort to take other people’s sentiments into account and treat them with respect and generosity. However, giving up our happiness to make others happy is not.

 

There might be a delicate line between helping others and acting as their doormat.

 

People-pleasing has crossed the line from being nice and generous to self-abandonment when you compromise who you are and what you need out of fear that others will reject, criticise, or disapprove of you.

 

 

15 Indications: You try to please everyone

 

• You worry about offending people’s sentiments because you want everyone to like you.
• You yearn for approval.
• You permit others to exploit you.
• When you set boundaries, you feel bad about them.
• You’re averse to conflict.
• You’ve always been a good person who obeys the law.
• Self-care is optional, in your opinion.
• You’re frequently ill.
• You experience tension, worry, or unease.
• You hold yourself to a high standard and anticipate perfection from yourself.
• You don’t know how to ask for what you need, and you always put yourself last.
• You take criticism well.
• You believe that your ideas and opinions are unimportant.
• You’re a “fixer” and detest seeing people in pain, fear, sadness, or discomfort.
• You dislike that more is constantly expected of you and wish others would take your wants and feelings into account.

 

How many of these characteristics do you see in yourself?

When you’re feeling bitter, exploited, and worn out, it’s a clear sign that trying to please other people is no longer beneficial to you because it’s hurting you. Re-balancing your thoughts and behaviours to take into account both your desires and those of others around you is the solution.

Knowing how to set boundaries and be more assertive requires practice and perseverance, just like any other type of change. Here are a few pointers to assist you further.

Four fundamental principles that can help you stop trying to please others

 

1. Caring for oneself is not selfish

Keep telling yourself that self-care is a necessity, not a luxury, even though you’ve heard it before. You don’t engage in self-care unknowingly because you take out time or because you deserve to. Without it, you’ll not acquire mental peace. Taking care of your emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical needs will help you stay healthy.

 

Practical advice: Schedule regular self-care (such as exercise, socialising, recreation, attendance at religious services, rest, etc.) to show that it is important to you. Additionally, make an effort to check in with yourself at least once per day and ask, “How am I feeling?” What am I lacking? These inquiries and contemplative time will be beneficial. You’ll be reminded that everyone has needs, and self-care is a good approach for you to meet your needs as a result of thinking about these questions and spending some time to reflect.

 

2. Not everybody’s viewpoint is important

 

One of the biggest faults those who please others make is acting as though everyone’s opinion is equally important; we constantly try to make everyone happy without discerning between whose opinion is most important and whose view we can disregard.

 

In general, the deeper your relationship with someone is, the more you’ll cherish it and strive to win their favour. Compromise is a necessary component of all successful relationships, and it’s entirely normal to want to please the people you care about. But you don’t have to treat everybody equally, and you don’t have to make an effort to satisfy friends the same way you would your spouse all the time.

 

Trying to please others and positive connections differ significantly in that surrender and gestures of kindness are mutual (you shouldn’t be the only one making accommodations and giving concessions), and you don’t have to surrender your values and convictions in order to please others.

 

Practical advice: When compromising or acting to appease someone else, consider the following: Why am I being dishonest? Is it motivated by love? Habit? Fear of fighting, disappointing others, or receiving a bad reputation? How much does this individual mean to me in my relationship? Do you and I both make concessions or am I only making one? These inquiries should enable you to determine whether you are exerting excessive effort to appease others.

 

3. Although negativity will inevitably arise but do not be terrified of it

 

You must hold back your emotions, needs, and desires if you wish to prevent conflict. You need to be submissive and quiet. You lose connection with both yourself and other people since you can’t have an emotionally intimate relationship if you don’t share your feelings. Because of this, we frequently feel as though we aren’t really sure what it is that we want or enjoy since the more we attempt to avoid disagreement, the greater we lose connection with who we are (our hobbies, interests, acquaintances, objectives, and so forth).

 

The feelings we suppress don’t go away when we do so. Instead, we become resentful and irritable, and our bodies start to exhibit physical symptoms of stress (pain, insomnia, etc.). In the end, it is impossible to avoid fighting, and if we do, we risk poisoning ourselves.

 

A healthy conflict, on the other hand, is one in which both parties may respectfully express their disagreements and lead to improvements that will ultimately improve the relationship. Conflict seems so frightening because it is so different from the unhealthy clashes that numerous of us have encountered. Name-calling, yelling, or threats are not always necessary in conflicts. We intend to respectfully air divergent viewpoints and be receptive to what others have to say.

 

Practical advice: I statements are a powerful type of assertive communication (you can read more about them here). Try using one or two trustworthy people to practise them with.

 

4. Your thoughts, feelings, ambitions, and opinions are important

 

As I said, many crowd-pleasers lose some of their individuality as a result of years of concealing their wants and desires. And it’s easy to put other people’s feelings, views, ideas, and ambitions ahead of your own when you don’t have a strong sense of who you are and what matters to you. You are essentially stating, “Others are more important than me,” when you do this.

 

This notion is frequently founded on harmful and false messages we heard as kids, internalised as adults, and kept repeating to ourselves. As a result of the intensity of these ideas, it does require continual effort to displace them with more correct beliefs (beliefs that reflect our virtues and are accepted).

 

Practical advice: To help cement this belief, try regularly repeating a phrase like “My feelings and opinions matter.” Additionally, when you catch yourself being critical of yourself, investigate it rather than taking it at face value. You might begin pondering things like, “Where did this notion come from?” How can I tell whether it’s true? It’s crucial to begin considering oneself as a valuable individual. If you’re unsure about how to go about it, consider how you treat the people whose opinions you respect, and then apply it to yourself.

 

This article should assist you in recognising the signs of people-pleasing, understanding how it may be harmful to your physical and mental wellness, and providing you with some options to start changing your behaviour.